Retirement home discussion goes off the rails

The presidential debate last Tuesday got a little strange. Here’s a fun review of the events that took place.


Ron Cogswell

Last Tuesday’s debate was as civilized as the legendary Lincoln-Douglas Debates

*The following piece is a satire.  Have fun!*

In the storied tradition of American politics dating back to the debates between Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln in 1858, every four years, the American people are presented with dignified debates between the titans of American politics competing for the awesome responsibility of being the President of the United States of America.

As you might have heard, on the night of September 29, there was one of those presidential debates in Cleveland, Ohio. The stage was graced with Democratic nominee and former Vice President Joe Biden, and Republican Nominee, President Donald Trump.

The reviews of this magnificent political discussion are in: the debate went great! Nobody had any complaints. The Commission on Presidential Debates, which organizes and plans the debates every four years, gave the candidates two minutes to relate their views for the country and the candidates articulated tons of uninterrupted policy.

The major takeaway from this riveting back-and-forth was that critics all agreed that the candidates were so respectful. And the only problem is voters may not honestly know who to support. They both did incredible on stage.

Trump kept the debate track on by discussing COVID, changing the subject every ten seconds or so, and bashing Biden at every opportunity about where he went to school.

By asking Biden to never “use the word smart with me,” Trump dove into his policies on general intelligence.

But Biden wasn’t done yet, he clapped back with his groundbreaking policy proposal about censorship: “Will you shut up, man.” Pundits thought this plan would lead to a 30% reduction of tweets and the eventual elimination of hours-long rallies, but as of publishing time, this innovative policy was not yet on his website.

And what about Chris Wallace? He was the moderator and he did a stand-up job controlling the debate, making sure each candidate could answer the questions they were asked without shouting over each other. Wallace’s almost-invisible presence on the stage was commanding, and pundits thought he did an exemplary job for debate moderators everywhere.

In terms of some of the policy specifics, Biden, again, did an effective job of articulating his readiness for the position when he called the president a clown. The candidates, again, were so respectful. President Trump reassured the country that they were safe from the Coronavirus, comments that definitely didn’t come back to haunt him this weekend.

The post-debate polls are in, and it looks like 100% of the country swung to Trump when he announced that he “brought back football,” which all agreed was the key determiner in who won his debate. Take that Biden!

Although some discontent critics have called the debate a “dumpster fire,” they couldn’t be more wrong. Dumpsters are good! We put trash in them, and it’s taken care of for us. A fire just makes them even more effective.

And they even smell amazing.

So, with the next debate on October 15th looming, organizers: Please don’t change a thing about the debate protocols.  This was one for the ages.